


Jaime's Journal

by Pyxie_Dust



Series: The Million Lives of Jaime and Melissa [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, OC Marvel Cinemative Universe
Genre: F/F, Mentions of Loss of Memory, Nonbinary Character, PTSD, Suicidal Ideation, abuse mention, blood mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 13:17:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21271661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pyxie_Dust/pseuds/Pyxie_Dust
Summary: A series of Journal Entries from one Jaime Barnes before the notebook is lost to fire.





	Jaime's Journal

** _ Entry 1 _ **

I don’t know what I thought this would do. I don’t know why I thought that this would be a good thing to bring with me. I could lose it and everything will fail. It’s a huge liability. But I still have it. I hope it helps me somehow. I can’t fail in this. I won’t.

** _ Entry 2 _ **

**[The page has evidence of water damage, and a corner is ripped a bit]**

I swam through the river in order to make them lose my trail. Hopefully <strike> Meli </strike> She won’t be able to follow my scent through it if Bucky decides to ask for her help. I wonder if he knows what I know. Maybe, he’s always been good at that. The base that Rumlow’s notes talked about should be somewhere close to Niagra, hopefully I can find it before nightfall. It’s going to be a long night otherwise.

** _ Entry 3 _ **

I found it.

** _ Entry 4 _ **

It’s been a while since I had time to write in here, I haven’t been able to get away from the eyes. I’m not even sure I’m fully out of sight now. They don’t trust me. I don’t trust them. Should I date these entries to keep track of how long I’ve been here? No then they would have an accurate timeline if they ever found this. They have already been putting me through an  _ extensive _ training regimen. Want to make sure I can keep up still. 

I killed two of their own officers as part of it. I don’t know why they had to die, the _ Director _ just said it needed to be done. Those men didn’t even stand a chance. We didn’t even have weapons. They won’t let me wash up either.

I miss the others.

** _ Entry 5 _ **

**[This entry has small specks of red littered throughout the page]**

The Director wanted to see me today. She wanted more of the information I had to offer. Ha. I told her that she would get the information when I had more access. It would not make sense otherwise. She didn’t like that. She wanted the information now, I was supposed to obey orders. I said no. I think I’m still bleeding a bit. I didn’t end up telling her. Still hurts. They are giving me time to heal, but no doubt that this wasn’t going to be the last time she’s going to do that. I need to think of a better plan or I’ll be dead before I get anything done.

** _ Entry 6 _ **

Yosef got away.

** _ Entry 7 _ **

They are finally bringing me into this a bit more. Apparently they are trying to restart the _ Imprint _ program, but they’re lacking in materials. They want another soldier like me, but not like me. The Director says an outside source is providing some DNA samples from another subject, but I don’t know who. In the interim, they said that they plan on using <strike>m</strike>

** _ Entry 8 _ **

They showed me the collider they have today. It’s huge, almost as big as the one that I saw ages ago now. They said it’s nearly completed, but what they wanted from me was to prove whether or not it would actually connect with another dimension. I gave them the equations they needed to show that it would. It connected with another collider in another dimension.

We met other HYDRA operatives. Alpha HYDRA Operatives.

If I’m honest. I’m afraid.

** _ Entry 9 _ **

Alpha HYDRA wants proof that I am not going to run or turn against this joint effort. The director tried assuring them, but they mentioned that they had their own soldier go rogue recently. <strike>Yeah he fucking did</strike>. They’re planning on sending me to a laboratory that another collaborator had control of soon. This third presence is still new to me, I haven’t seen anyone else here. Who are they? What are they going to help with? This will probably be the last thing I write in here. 

If anyone finds it. If you have any conscience at all. Find Yosef Zola. He’ll know who to give this to.

** _ Entry 10 _ **

She found me. How did she find me?! I don’t understand. I was so careful. I was meticulous. What the fuck?! I got away though. I got away. She was so mad. She was screaming and angry and exhausted. I think that’s the only reason I could get away. If she had been at full strength. I wouldn’t be writing this. 

Why did she come looking? Why was she there. I I can understand working with Bucky. But why all the way out there. Why did she find me? She hates me. She’s angry with me. Why did she follow me?

Why?

** _ Entry 11 _ **

The Directors need me to steal some mechanical components from a government facility riding on the border. They know about the encounter last mission. I had to tell them. I didn’t specify though. Hopefully that keeps her safe. Hopefully it keeps everyone safe. I wonder what these things are meant to do? The alpha agents say it’s a better method of creation, but what does that mean? What am I getting? What is it that makes this easier?

** _ Entry 12 _ **

I got the component parts and handed them over to the Directors. They seemed pretty pleased with it all, even more when they realized they’re fucking scouts weren’t coming back. The directors seemed almost proud that I killed them. Guess I earned their trust. They don’t know what happened though. They don’t know why I killed them. 

I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have done that at all. God What was I thinking?! Kissing her?! There were other ways. Better ways. She just needed to be quiet. Why did I. God it hurts so much now. It hurts and it won’t ever go away. I don’t want it to go away. That kiss. Damn. I really love her don’t I.

It can’t happen again. No matter how much I want it to.

** _ Entry 13 _ **

**[The page is written hastily, there are holes where the author pushed too hard and pierced through. The ink has bled through in other places and there is evidence of liquid having dropped occasionally onto the writing.]**

They’re going to put me through the Wipe. Fuck they’re going to put me through the Wipe. I don’t I can’t I cannot be here. I cannot go through that. I won’t remember. I won’t know what to do. Everything. I’ll lose everything. I wasn’t anything before. I was a body that could move. I was a piece of meat that could hold a gun. I can barely remember anything before. Oh god when did I even start remembering. When was I me? Am I anything without these memories? Am I anything at all? Am I anyone? That’s why they made me. I could be turned into anyone, anything, and it wouldn’t matter. Why am I Jaime? Why aren’t I just the Shadow? Why aren’t I 

Am I even Jaime anymore? Jaime had a home. Had friends, had people they cared about. Their name came from someone else. Who I was came from other people. From Bucky trying to teach me. From traveling for a decade through different countries. From Melissa. Melissa. I’m going to lose her aren’t I? What am I even talking about? I already lost her with this choice. No even before then. When she saw me with Dot. I was so scared. I was so embarrassed. I couldn’t even believe what Dot and I had come to. And Dot. Oh Dot I’m so sorry. You said it was ok, but I didn’t think it was, and then I went and did this. I thought I would make it better, but I’m going to forget. I might see her again and then I could kill her. And I wouldn’t feel anything. The thought of that makes me sick. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget any of them. 

Melissa, If there’s any way you find this. I am so sorry. So so sorry. What you saw that day, that wasn’t me making eyes at your wife, I love Dot but not like that. She told me it was ok. I don’t know if you know what that means. It took me a bit after she said anything to even get it. I want it to be ok. I really really want it to be ok. It hurts to feel like this, but at the same time I don’t want it to go away. I want it to stay and I want it to grow and I want you to feel the same about me. There’s no way that’s going to happen now, but I can want right? That’s fine for now right? I’m going to be gone soon. Jaime’s going to be wiped from existence. I’m so scared Melissa. I’m so sorry I didn’t talk to you after that day. I’m so sorry I didn’t just explain what me and Dot were talking about. I love you so much. I’m so sorry. 

** _ Entry 14 _ **

That last entry was bad. Nearly lost it in front of other agents. Thank god I managed to calm down enough to keep my composure. I don’t know what they would have done if they had a crazy clone on their hands. They’d probably decommission me faster than I can say, “fuck you.” 

Still I thought of something. Something to ground me while it’s happening. Maybe it will stay, maybe it will help me remember until I can find this again. The night, before everything went to hell pretty much. Daniel’s play, those moments at Ella Cafe. I got to hold her for a bit, and she held me. There was smiling, and laughter, I’m pretty sure I saw her bawling for the first time then. She looked gorgeous. I’d like to pretend that she dressed up for me, but that’s a lie. I didn’t even know she was going. I’m going to focus on that walk through the snow. My arm around her shoulders, hers around my waist. It was warm. We didn’t let go. I didn’t let go. I wonder if that was the night I knew. Maybe. 

I don’t think I can forget something like that. I’m damn sure I don’t want to. So I’ll hold onto that. To the warmth. The touch. The Laughter. And hope, for once in my waste of a life. 

** _ Entry 15 _ **

Melissa’s never going to forgive me for what I’ve done. I wouldn’t either.

_** Entry 16** _

I got to base about a week ago now. Director Abigail didn’t seem too perturbed that was I was later than predicted, I had the component. That was all that mattered. I got thrown back in my cell and left alone for days. I don’t know how long I slept. It hurt when I woke up and found myself there. I want to be back in the cabin. I want to be with her, wrapped in her arms, with nothing else but each other. But I made this choice. I decided to come back. I chose

I chose to leave her alone. 

She said I had a good heart before I left. How can I have a good heart if I did that to her. If I hurt her like that. I’m such an idiot. I hate this. I hate myself. I want to die. I want to burn with the rest of these god forsaken Nazi bastards. 

I love her. And she really does deserve more than me.

** _ Entry 17 _ **

We’re moving somewhere, somewhere new. Directors Abigail and Beauregard say that the area that we’re currently using isn’t as discreet as they’d like. It’s supposed to be a long haul. How long I don’t know, a week of travel at most. I don’t even know where we’re going. I’m supposed to be acting as an agent of some kind. I don’t know what kind as they won’t tell me anything. It’s need to know. And I don’t. I hope I can find out soon. 

** _ Entry 18 _ **

I’m going through it again. Goodbye Melissa. For now.

** _ Entry 19 _ **

I’m remembering little things. Like writing in this. I’ve been stashed in the back of a truck for several hours now. I don’t know where we’re going, but every now and again I hear the other agents remarking on how hot it is. Must be somewhere desert like. I know I’m supposed to be working against them, but these passages are so vague. What have I been doing? What’s the end goal. Who is Melissa?

** _ Entry 20 _ **

We’ve arrived. New Mexico. A S.H.I.E.L.D. base where they have control over a collider. Where HYDRA has control of a collider, because apparently HYDRA has infiltrated into S.H.I.E.L.D. and taken control of this section of it. How deep does this go? How long has HYDRA been waiting for the right moment to use this? How long has this plan existed to tear it all down from the inside?

Is my plan gonna work?

** _ Entry 21 _ **

I’ve managed to recruit someone to this side, hopefully she can help me or at the very least get the innocents out. I didn’t want anyone else to get caught up in this. I didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. Still she was persistent. She reminds me of Melissa, only, I guess, less impulsive. She’s good at taking orders when she needs to. I can only hope that holds out. I just got out of a wipe, but they’re planning on putting me through another sometime soon. Goodbye for now Melissa.

** _ Entry 22 _ **

**[This entry is harried, there are holes in the paper where the pen tore through the page.]**

It’s here. Fuck it’s here. It’s… fucking ready. God It’s terrifying. It’s got my face. It looks exactly like me save for the hair and what’s in its body. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

** _ Entry 23 _ **

**[The writing seems sluggish, tired, the handwriting is extremely sloppy]**

What do I remember now? It’s all jumbled and hard to put together. My name, lets start with that. My name is Barnes. No. That’s part of my name. Barnes is just what I can remember right now. No wait. That’s someone elses name. His name I think. I can’t remember his face. But I know who he is. Next. Next is what I’m doing I think. I’m a soldier. I’m the winter soldier. I’m the _ Shadow _. I remember that, only because they keep telling me. I have to listen to them. They are HYDRA, I remember that too. I hate them. 

There’s something else. I remember a name. It doesn’t leave when they put me through the wipe. I don’t know why it stays. It’s the only thing that the static doesn’t rip away. Melissa. There’s no face to it. Just a name. It makes me feel nice though, warm, but it hurts in my chest. I like it. I wonder who it belonged to. There’s little pieces that comes with it. Something sharp. Something angry. A really really nice smile that doesn’t match anyone here. Hair, lots of wavy hair. I think I could get lost in it. No face though. No voice. Just those things. How many times have I been left with this now? How many times more until even this goes. It’s dangerous to be writing in here. The first entry said as much. They’ll find this. They’ll kill me. Then they’ll go after Zola. And whoever else I might have vaguely mentioned. 

But I can’t stop writing. Because if I stop writing then I won’t remember anything. This is the only thing that keeps me who I am. This is the only thing that brings me back. That and that name. Why just that name. Who are you Melissa? What were you to me? Why do I remember you? Why you?

**[This next bit seems to be written later but does not count as a new entry]**

Because you mean everything to me.

**_ Entry _ 24**

They recruited Reyna to their side. The portal’s complete, fucking functioning well. And… and it is done. The training is pretty much complete. There’s just order integration left. Command words that can get the piece of crap to do what it’s told. Stop fighting. Start fighting. Stalk. Infiltrate. Massacre. So far they’re having me issue the commands to it. Most of the time it’s with someone looking over my shoulder. Every now and again though I can sneak in a command of my own. One they won’t know how to counter. 

This is dangerous.This is so fucking stupid. I can’t be writing shit like that in here. If I drop it, If I lose it. I will die. They will find out and they will destroy me. Then Reyna will be alone. Dealing with this, alone. I don’t think they’ve even informed her of _ it _ yet, other than when they first recruited her. God that thing’s strong. I’m glad they keep it in cryo between each session I have with it. I don’t know how they would contain it otherwise. Everything is coming to a head. I’m scared. I am worried. And I am probably going to die. 

I miss Melissa. I know she’ll probably never forgive me for what I did to her. For leaving her behind in that cabin with just a stupid fucking note. I still love her though. I shouldn’t. I don’t get to do that. Not after what I’ve put her through. Not after what I’ve put everyone through. I shouldn’t read this anymore. After the wipes. I shouldn’t be allowed to remember the sweet things after causing everything to rot. If I don’t though. I won’t get this done. And everything I have been working towards will turn to ash. 

So I’ll do this. When everything is gone. When everything is burnt. When all these god forsaken wretches vanish. If I’m still alive at the end. I’ll toss out this notebook. And I’ll forget. And then hopefully. I’ll finally die with all of this.


End file.
